#973 Group Projects.

The first thing I'm looking for on any given syllabus the first day of class is if there's gonna be a group project. I SCAN the page like a fucking robot programmed to look for the words "group+project" and when I find it... nothing makes sense anymore. I have a small crisis right there at my desk. Inside my head I'm cursing the Professor's very existence. I guess the only thing I can compare scanning the syllabus like this to is when you're waiting for your online bank account to load. There's that same overwhelming sense of dread. NOT finding a group project in there is a small victory; much like finding out you have more than $0 in your checking. So what I'm trying to say is, the monetary value of a group project is $0. Plus a $30 overdraft fee because you just HAD to get that coffee coollatta and didn't give a fuck at the time but now it's like FUCK that shitty drink cost me $30???????? IT WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD

Let me take this to da next level: anything is preferable to a group project to me. ANYTHING. 100 question cumulative final exam? Sounds fair, count me in! 15-page term paper? Awesome, I'm totally game! Group project? NO. This is NEVER OK! It could be a class titled "working 2-gether 101" and a group project would still piss me off. I'm like an animal who tried to eat a rabbit, but it turns out that rabbit was decaying and that shit made me throw up for like 9 hours. Okay? Go with me here. So now I HATE rabbits. I don't wanna ever try to eat a fucking rabbit again. Why would I? That one rabbit made me throw up for 9 HOURS. Well every time I'm assigned a group project it's my stupid ass doing someone else's part plus my own, squinting at the computer screen for days, wondering if throwing myself off a bridge is too dramatic, etc. So it doesn't really matter if in the future I'm blessed with a hard-working group (lol @ the very thought) because I'm always gonna expect the 9 hours of throwing up. I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE GROUP PROJECTS OKAY???

More absolute bullshit: I've been in groups with people who are ACTUALLY stupid. I'm talking undeniably, unequivocally, stupid. They don't understand this world at all. They're on a beautiful cloud while you and I are stuck on the horrible Earth. They get 70's on tests and feel a sense of pride. "At least I passed!" they say. "These credits will be transferable because I got above a D!" they CRY. Am I gonna get extra points for dealing with them? No. Am I gonna get extra points for ~guiding them, ~teaching them to spread their wingz and fly, ~writing their entire section over because what they did was FUCKING STUPID? NO. No! Being in a group project is a thankless fucking job. Also, I don't have time for this. I have other classes. Meeting awkwardly with people who don't do work to the same standards as mine is a waste of time.

The truly insane thing: I've never met a human being out there who looks forward group projects in my LIFETIME. That means even the lazy motherfuckers who unload all the work onto the "leader" of the group (reader, you better believe that person is always me) don't even like doing them. I've honestly never been in a group that has had an even distribution of effort in my life. Frankly, I feel like such a group is a MYTH. So just imagine being the terrible person who watches as everyone else does all the work for you, getting an A, and still feeling like "wow, I really H8 group projects." It's PURE LUNACY. And no one learns from them, either. What exactly are we learning? How to bullshit, that's what. I can't even say that I like watching them. All I consistently get out of these is a seething hatred for my fellow man. So why we gotta play this game? Why?

This post is brought to you by the group project I have due tomorrow at 9:30 AM

I HATE IT!!!!

NO MORE GROUP PROJECTS

CAN I GET AN AMEN

#974-Douche-Ass Motorcyclists

Nothing hurts me more than driving and witnessing an asshole on a motorcycle try to SHOW OFF by revving their engine and speeding in front of moving vehicles. Do you ACTUALLY think any of us drivers are impressed? WE AREN'T. All we see is a complete douche bag with a death wish acting like an idiot. You NEVER wear a helmet. Why? Are you afraid people will judge you and call you "gay" (Hillary Duff, don't stick your two senses into this blog post)? AND not only are you putting yourself in danger but you are also scaring the SHIT out of me because if I fucking HIT YOU, I'll be SCREWED. And when you're sprawled out on the pavement, I hope your entire body hurts and I hope the angels that are coming to take your soul, call you "gay" and then torment you like your classmates in high school did. I know, I know. The locker room sucked for you because you had and still have a small penis. Don't over compensate by buying a bright red motorcycle and putting everyones' lives in danger. And just another thing-your wife beater billowing in the wind is so dumb. I hate looking at it.

So my advice? Wear a helmet. Your head will thank you. Stop wearing tank tops and cargo pants. Wear some leather like the guy in the photo above. It'll help your skin when you're sliding on the pavement after a failed Poppa Wheelie. Okay? Thanks.

#975 Slowed-down Acoustic Covers of Dance or Pop Singles

The slowed-down acoustic cover of a dance or pop song is performed most frequently by a white girl with an acoustic guitar, but they can also be achieved with the help of a friend-who-plays acoustic guitar, or a with a portable Casio keyboard. These started popping up more and more after the release of Rihanna's single "Umbrella" which every white person with an acoustic guitar decided to record themselves covering in the summer of 2007. Even Mandy Moore (from 'A Walk to Remember'? Sang that one song 'Candy'? No?) got a piece of that action. There's a certain kind of person out there that likes dance or pop singles but feel they're too fast, too catchy, too enjoyable at their current tempo, and have the intense urge to slow them down. What they don't realize is that dance songs have INCREDIBLY shitty lyrics 98% of the time. That's why they're put to fast music-- it distracts the listener. Sometimes I'll be singing along to something and not even register what the fuck I'm saying. That's the beauty of pop music! At work sometimes I'll catch myself actually mouthing the words "honey got some boobies like wow-oh-wow" -- would I do the same if the song was acoustic and slowed down? Hell the fuck no. There's just some words that shouldn't be put to acoustic guitar.

Nowadays you can search for literally any dance and/or pop single on YouTube and find a slowed-down version. To test this theory, I tried to to think of a current song with the worst possible lyrics to hear slowed down. Answer: RUDE BOY by Rihanna.

Check it the fuck out:

Can she sing pretty well? Yes. Can he play guitar pretty well? Yes. But I didn't enjoy this at all because THOSE HIDEOUS LYRICS become 900x more hideous when I'm allowed to pay attention to them without being distracted by up-tempo background music. WHY???

Another PRIME example:

I HATE IT!!!

#976 People Who Scream "Sing" in Choir Settings

We all know you LOVE to sing but we're in a CHORUS, a CHOIR. Definition: An organized company of singers. You are not the lead singer in your own band. When you SCREAM "sing" it hurts everyone around you. I don't care if you're mother fucking ELAINE PAGE who has the voice of an ANGEL. Lower the volume! If you want to hear yourself sing, get the heck out of the chorus. All you're doing is straining your body and making it harder for everyone around you to sing. AND screaming the lyrics makes ALL OF THOSE around you sound like pure crap. It ruins the sound of the chorus. Everything is supposed to sound uniform but you constantly and WITHOUT fail mess it up! So next time, please, stop. Okay?

I HATE IT!

#977-Fake Laughing in Order To Preserve Friendship

No one can REALLY force you to do anything you don't want to do BUT everyone has felt obligated to fake laugh at one point or another. I usually fake laugh to make people feel better about themselves or to fill awkward silences. There is NOTHING worse than witnessing someone crack a joke, it NOT being the least bit funny and then NO ONE laughing. It hurts me to witness this! Oh and it's ESPECIALLY worse when the joke-cracker is doing stand-up or is in a comedy group! They continually humiliate themselves in front of crowds and it's just.....GAWD. It legitimately hurts PHYSICALLY to fake laugh. Ever notice? Your face muscles have to work EXTRA hard to pull this fake laughter off. It's draining. I think I've fake laughed over 1,000,000 times in my life. I think I fake laugh at LEAST once every day. I'm not claiming to be this EXPERT on what is humorous BUT when you don't feel like laughing you just DON'T feel like laughing! Something goes off in your brain when something tickles your funny bone. Maybe my funny bone is defective?

I've been to comedy shows where the room ERUPTS into laughter at the most unfunny things. I look around the room thinking, "Really? What am I missing?" I am then CONVINCED that 85% of the people around me are fake laughing out of compassion and pity. They HAVE to be! OR AGAIN, I'm an idiot and don't "GET" comedy. Sorry, but I don't think someone screaming, "poop" at the top of their lungs is funny. Why do you? Okay, we're ALL different so MAYBE something INSIDE of you (is it genetic?) makes you THINK that certain things are funny. Who the FUCK KNOWS.

BACK to the point: Fake laughter hurts. I'm going to get fake-laugh lines on my face and be pissed for years. And ALTHOUGH fake laughter can make people FEEL GOOD, don't you think we're causing permanent damage? This person or these people are going to stroll around town thinking they're this accomplished comedian and it's ALL a lie. And if we STOPPED fake laughing altogether, maybe we wouldn't have to endure being around unfunny people? They would just STOP altogether?

Again, DISCLAIMER PEOPLE, I KNOW people have fake laughed at my jokes (everyone has been a victim of fake laughter) BUT I can detect the fake-ness. I have this "bullshit" radar. SO ONCE people have fake laughed at my jokes, I STOP. A lot of people have this radar.

Let's STOP fake laughing. Our faces will thank us and so will the unfunny people we fake laugh at.

I HATE IT.

#978-"Progressive" Commercials

We get it. You're cute, helpful and cheery. Personally, I've had enough of you and your awkward shenanigans. Whenever you appear on my television screen, I die a little inside.

Sorry ~*gurl*~

I hate it!

#979 Mornings

I had forgotten what mornings felt like.

What the hell are they for? At noon, when the sun is at its brightest, the coffee tastes that much better, the people are that much nicer, and real work actually begins. What's with the foreplay? Why do we insist on dragging the working class to work at 8 or 9am, only to have them sit at an office, and dully, inefficiently, sluggishly pound away at a keyboard without any recognition of what they are actually supposed to be doing.

I've heard the myth about "morning people", and people will use this excuse for why the work day starts so early, but has anyone actually met a morning person? Do people actually get up in the morning, stretch their arms above their heads, and scream "Activity!". I don't believe such a person exists, and no amount of Saturday morning cartoon depictions can successfully drill this into our youth.

How about we stop with the delusion that morning is useful for anyone below the age of 60, cancel breakfast indefinitely, have a law that people are not to be seen outside of their homes at 10am (a form of martial law I WOULD support), and we can all go on with our lives. Deal?

I hate them!

#980-Mattress Sheets

Dude. Mattress sheets/covers NEVER stay on. EVER. I am so sick of it. Every damn night mine slips off and I'm left sleeping on this plastic mattress cover I use to protect me from allergens that thrive in the actual mattress. AND I HATE putting them on! I can never get it JUST RIGHT. You have to lift the mattress, move it from side to side, sprawl your body out on the bed, stretch your arms etc. What next? A fucking algebra equation? GOD. DAMMIT. MATTRESS!!!!!

#981-Arrogant Ass-Hats

Arrogant mother fucking ASS-HATS. WE ALL know one OR multiple. They walk amongst us and make us miserable with their fucking dumb as hell know-it-all attitudes. The thing is: They don't know ANYTHING! They convince people that what they say is actually legitimate and intellectual and most of the time people BUY THEIR BULLSHIT. THEY BUY IT like the bullshit is precious merchandise: "Yes. Yes. Good point." Have you ever been in a room with someone who purposely puts on this air of professionalism and superiority to impress people when deep down YOU know that their brain is a pile of nothingness? Just an abyss? A BLACK HOLE? And you end up sitting there and LISTENING to this person go on and on trying to debunk scientific facts or historical events i.e. "Guys, listen. I've done my research and I'm almost positive that, logically, because I'm majoring in logistics, that there is no such thing as 'infinity'. [Leans back and smirks]." And there's always those two or three people who sit there, listen INTENTLY and then try to engage in a deep, meaningful conversation with them. Within MINUTES the air in the room is polluted with stupidity. Usually these people comment on politics or other worldly issues but never know ANYTHING about them. THAT has to be the worst offense. I've never interjected with a comment BEGGING them to stop because usually I have walked out of the room BUT I WISH I had.

Not only do these ass-hats start insubstantial conversations in private i.e. their living rooms but they take their pseudo-intellectual attitude with them into EVERY DAY life. They act this way at lunch, in class, at parties etc. It simply never ends. They'll comment on what you're eating, on what you're wearing. EVERYTHING. THEN they translate their idiocy into TEXT. You'll read Facebook statuses, for example, that make you question reality-"Am I living in a dream? [Grasps totem and weeps]." Examples of what I speak of:

"Read 'The Iliad' while simultaneously working out on my Bow Flex. SUPER exhausted. How will I ever make it to my 9-5 job on time?"

OR the sarcastic/humorous Facebook statuses that they've MASTERED because sarcasm is the best way to disguise ignorance:

"Racism? It obviously doesn't exist! I mean, we have a black president and mexicans are EVERYWHERE! Press 2 for SPANGLISH, PEOPLE." (I couldn't think of a good example but fuck it. You get it!)

And let me just comment on the 'sarcasm' thing: Everyone uses sarcasm because it can come in handy AND it can be funny! HOWEVER, ass-hats use it 24/7. You can never have a normal conversation with them because they're constantly crackin' jokes. I don't know why. Maybe it boosts their ego to be the "funny, smart guy/girl"? But usually they aren't really funny nor are they smart.
OH and let me comment on how so many of these folks think they're incredibly attractive and have to comment on it all of time, usually sarcastically but whatever-"Guysssss, don't hate me because I'm so good looking!" And then he/she strolls about campus thinking that men/women want to sex them up. No. No. No.

Just stop. I mean, I can't stop you from being 'you' but try not to involve everyone that exists around you in your foolishness. It just aggravates us. Although you have a small following of admirers, 85% of the people around you see through the facade you've created for yourself. We know that you're probably sad inside, which is unfortunate because although I'm a bitch, I don't want people to be secretly depressed, ya know? My heart ain't stone. And if this ass-hat attitude ISN'T a facade and you actually ARE a narcissistic person, I feel bad for you.

IN CONCLUSION, stop being an ass-hat. Okay, douchebag?
FUUU-----

#982 The Black Clock

I am sitting in an empty computer helpdesk, and I am the only person in the entire building. The air conditioner has been turned off for the weekend, and the leather couch is calling my name. Rarely in my life do I experience absolute silence: this ain't no rural Michigan, and I ain't no farmer of genetically modified grain. I have nothing pressing to do, I have no responsibilities at this juncture, I am completely at peace, and there's no sign of inter-

TICK FUCKING TOCK I'M A MOTHERFUCKING CLOCK THAT HAS COMETH TO RAINETH ON YOUR PARADE-TH, SIMPLETON!

The black clock, only a few feet from where I sit, menacingly spins its thin red second hand. Fuck the manufacturing process, I smell the devil is afoot. You don't even spin evenly, I don't think, you cocky, French lesbian. Every second you pound out is another perversion of my eardrums, my personal space is invaded by your insistence on piercing my soul. Spare me your excuses, and spare me your inanimacy: I know your true nature is to harass and belittle me.

Please, black clock, I beg you, black clock, if it were any other day, black clock, I'd let you tick away, black clock. Today, however, I just want to sit on the leather couch in peace, while the time you imitate so willingly passes to the end of my work shift.

Please, black clock, pretty please, black clock?

Thank you black clock, you listened. We truly are friends, aren't we, black clock? I love you, black clock, don't ever leave me.

#983-THE RADIO

"Airplanes" by B.O.B, "This Afternoon" by NickelBack, "Blah, Blah, Blah" by Kesha, "(I refuse to use a dollar sign as an 'S'. That is just fucking dumb), "California Girls" by Katy Perry, "Cooler Than Me" by Mike Posner etc. All of these songs combined create this extremely POWERFUL force that has almost made me drive my car off of the road and into a telephone pole on multiple occasions. There is NO ESCAPING shitty music anymore and when you're in your car it's even worse. It's as though you're stuck in a tiny prison cell. It has come to the point where a human being doesn't have to have an OUNCE of talent to "make it" in the music industry.

Let's review these lyrics:

"And don't you dare act like you don't know, know what's up. 'Cause your nose is up. I'm approaching up. Like I can't give you Winter in the summer or summer in the winter. Miami in December."

"Boy come on get your rocks stuff. Come on put a little love in my glove box. I wanna dance with no pants on, holla."

"We got weeds in the backyard, four feet tall. Cheech and Chong probably would have smoked them all."

and of course, the EVER POPULAR:

"‎~*~*CaN We pReTeND tHat AiRpLanEs In ThE NigHt SkY aRe LyKe sHoOtInG STarS? I CoUlD RlY UsE A WiSh rIgHt NoW!1!!!*~*~"

I could go on and on and on but I don't want to be responsible for mass suicide.

I don't know about you but when I'm driving I need good tunes to ease my travels. You can't find that anymore and if you're like me and don't have a cd player/tape player in your car then you're stuck with massive amounts of bullshit-"I WANNA BE A BILLIONAIRE ~SO FRIGGIN' BADDDDDD~" NO. NO. NO. NO!!!! "~*tHe paRTY DoN'T sToP 'TiLL I wALk In*~"

And the lyrics aren't even the BIGGEST issue with the songs either. The people SINGING the lyrics make it 10x worse. Nickelback? Do they sand paper their vocal chords before singing? Kesha? What the fuck is wrong with that bitch? Her voice is a mixture between Nick Jonas' screechy yodel singing and a Pterodactyl. Mike Posner sounds like a RAPIST-"you think you're cooler than me." HOW can ANYONE drive while listening to this?!

I never remember toying with the radio tuner THIS MUCH. Doesn't it seem like the radio has taken a HUGE turn for the worse!? In the 90's you could cruise and you didn't really complain. I remember sitting in the passenger seat, eating McDonalds, listening to Celine Dion's, "Coming Back To Me Now" and absolutely LOVING LIFE. And if you weren't feeling Celine's divine vocals, you could change the channel and Seal's sexy as hale voice would great you with, "Kiss From A Rose."

NOW you change the channel from Justin Bieber's "Babbaay babbbaaay" to Eminem and Rihanna's, "LOOK ME IN THE EYEBALL...Spewin' VENOM... ~Love The Way YoU lIe~" It's like choosing between being shot 20 times in the face or being eaten alive by hungry Gorillas.

SIGH. FUUUU----!

# 984-BLOGS

Yes. I am writing a blog entry about how much I DESPISE BLOGS. SO MANY people are hopping onto this band wagon and the majority of them are arrogant pieces of shizz who just want the opportunity to boast about their lives- "Come read my blog about how to manage graduate school stress!" "Just made a blog about my NEW JOB!" NO. ONE. GIVES. A. DAMN. The only person who is going to read your blog, that is MOST LIKELY FULL of dumb fuckery, are a few Facebook friends and your mom (MAYBE). If you're between the ages of 0-25, have accomplished little to nothing important, and have created a blog giving ADVICE (ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE 'REAL WORLD')-get off of the internet. Am I the only one who feels this way!!? Guys, I am SO PASSIONATE about this. How many people are creating blogs who have ZERO actual intelligence? No one cares about your new job. And NO ONE CARES about how YOU managed to accomplish something i.e. getting into grad school or surviving the S.A.T. Save it for your diary. So maybe I just hate CERTAIN blogs and not ALL blogs. I had to get this out there. HAD. TO.