#973 Group Projects.

The first thing I'm looking for on any given syllabus the first day of class is if there's gonna be a group project. I SCAN the page like a fucking robot programmed to look for the words "group+project" and when I find it... nothing makes sense anymore. I have a small crisis right there at my desk. Inside my head I'm cursing the Professor's very existence. I guess the only thing I can compare scanning the syllabus like this to is when you're waiting for your online bank account to load. There's that same overwhelming sense of dread. NOT finding a group project in there is a small victory; much like finding out you have more than $0 in your checking. So what I'm trying to say is, the monetary value of a group project is $0. Plus a $30 overdraft fee because you just HAD to get that coffee coollatta and didn't give a fuck at the time but now it's like FUCK that shitty drink cost me $30???????? IT WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD

Let me take this to da next level: anything is preferable to a group project to me. ANYTHING. 100 question cumulative final exam? Sounds fair, count me in! 15-page term paper? Awesome, I'm totally game! Group project? NO. This is NEVER OK! It could be a class titled "working 2-gether 101" and a group project would still piss me off. I'm like an animal who tried to eat a rabbit, but it turns out that rabbit was decaying and that shit made me throw up for like 9 hours. Okay? Go with me here. So now I HATE rabbits. I don't wanna ever try to eat a fucking rabbit again. Why would I? That one rabbit made me throw up for 9 HOURS. Well every time I'm assigned a group project it's my stupid ass doing someone else's part plus my own, squinting at the computer screen for days, wondering if throwing myself off a bridge is too dramatic, etc. So it doesn't really matter if in the future I'm blessed with a hard-working group (lol @ the very thought) because I'm always gonna expect the 9 hours of throwing up. I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE GROUP PROJECTS OKAY???

More absolute bullshit: I've been in groups with people who are ACTUALLY stupid. I'm talking undeniably, unequivocally, stupid. They don't understand this world at all. They're on a beautiful cloud while you and I are stuck on the horrible Earth. They get 70's on tests and feel a sense of pride. "At least I passed!" they say. "These credits will be transferable because I got above a D!" they CRY. Am I gonna get extra points for dealing with them? No. Am I gonna get extra points for ~guiding them, ~teaching them to spread their wingz and fly, ~writing their entire section over because what they did was FUCKING STUPID? NO. No! Being in a group project is a thankless fucking job. Also, I don't have time for this. I have other classes. Meeting awkwardly with people who don't do work to the same standards as mine is a waste of time.

The truly insane thing: I've never met a human being out there who looks forward group projects in my LIFETIME. That means even the lazy motherfuckers who unload all the work onto the "leader" of the group (reader, you better believe that person is always me) don't even like doing them. I've honestly never been in a group that has had an even distribution of effort in my life. Frankly, I feel like such a group is a MYTH. So just imagine being the terrible person who watches as everyone else does all the work for you, getting an A, and still feeling like "wow, I really H8 group projects." It's PURE LUNACY. And no one learns from them, either. What exactly are we learning? How to bullshit, that's what. I can't even say that I like watching them. All I consistently get out of these is a seething hatred for my fellow man. So why we gotta play this game? Why?

This post is brought to you by the group project I have due tomorrow at 9:30 AM

I HATE IT!!!!

NO MORE GROUP PROJECTS

CAN I GET AN AMEN